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Topless in Nevada

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Since it’s New Year’s Eve, for my first blog post I am going to reflect on 2018. Why not do that… by going topless, baring it all. One of my most memorable moments of 2018, was standing facing this ‘mountain’ in Nevada with the sun beaming down on me. The temperature was around 40°C (104°F) and we had decided to go hiking. Yes, hiking in August, in Nevada, fifteen minutes outside of Las Vegas, on one of the hottest days this year. I was out there for work and I wanted to do something for myself. This moment was it, I wanted to capture a moment where I felt free. There was excitement mixed with fear; fear that people would see me, fear that I would be judged if ever I posted this photo publicly. The fear that I would even get caught by the authorities. Was I breaking some bizarre hiking law? At this moment though, I didn’t care. I felt more alive than I have in years. This day would be a turning point for me to challenge myself further. This was the moment that I decided I wouldn’t let myself or anyone else hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest. I freed myself from emotional scars, personal issues, and my blindness to actually living life.

In 2018 I lived the ‘just like whatever’ life, and doing so I have experienced things that I didn’t think were possible for me. I can look back and say I do not regret missing out, because I didn’t allow myself to miss out. I traveled to Duke University where I participated in a Spring Break course. I fell back in love with Hiking when my friend Brea took me on the most therapeutic hikes of my life. I went to New Zealand where I was overcome with emotion while standing in front of Samwise Gamgee’s Hobbit Hole. In Rotorua I sped down a mountain on a luge track, and finished the day by experiencing the Skyswing where you swing out from the mountainside. Later, in Christchurch, I let a tattoo artist freehand tattoo my rib cage, providing me with the most unique and meaningful tattoo. I ventured to both the back and front gates of Area51, which was exciting, terrifying, and emotional all at once. At DragonCon, I sat sat on a panel with Dr. Noor and Dr. Spana, two very successful and talented Duke professors. While in Hawaii, I fell in love with snorkeling even after being attacked by a Trigger Fish. Okay, maybe not attacked, but their bites do hurt.

Experiencing the city of Chicago, which had been on my bucket-list, was nothing short of amazing. I fell in love with the architecture, I fell in love with the city. While there, I watched Hamilton the musical, where of course I cried like a baby. During a walk through the city to find the Wooden Alley, we came across the original Playboy Mansion. I also shed a tear when entering Soldier Field for the first time, where The Chicago Bears beat The Minnesota Vikings. On the way back to the hotel I tore the butt of my favorite jeans on a broken part of a fence that we ‘needed’ to jump. Of course everyone else made it over fine, not me. Did I end up caring? Yes. Did I overreact? No. I would have before though, but I wasn’t going to let this ‘ruin my life.’ I was living in the moment, and I was enjoying it. Thank goodness that I was wearing black leggings underneath for extra warmth or else my butt would have been hanging out during my 35 minute brisk November walk back to the hotel.

There was a time this year that I had to take myself back to the Topless in Nevada moment and remind myself to refrain from analyzing, and just do it, just like, whatever. This moment was something I had never experienced in my life, I was about to jump off the top of a snorkeling tour boat. I was scared, I didn’t even know why. I didn’t think I was going to die, I didn’t think anything bad was actually going to happen. It was just water… it was the Atlantic Ocean. Okay, that actually is a bit scary, jumping into the ocean, no flotation device attached to me. But, I was with a group of people, and there was a boat. Come on, I knew I would be fine. I stood at the top, my legs shaking, and in that moment I remembered when in August I ‘freed’ myself. That’s when I stopped thinking, I didn’t care what my legs were doing. I forced myself to move forward, and jump. Did anything happen? Well, I received the biggest sinus cleanse of my life when all the salt water rushed up my nose when I went under. However, I walked away with no regret, because I went for it. This very moment helped me with my next challenge, to jump into the water again, days later. This time, the jump would allow me to swim with a wild dolphin. I told myself that I jumped from a higher platform, and if I don’t get in to the water with this dolphin now, I may never have a chance again. I did it, I swam next to this beautiful creature, who played with us for a few minutes, then he swam away. If I would have stayed on the boat, arguing internally with myself, I would have missed one of the most magical moments ever. That moment was meant to happen, it reminded me again how precious life is, and to just live it.

For some people, these moments may not be big accomplishments but for me they are. You see, I have PTSD. The internal challenges that I face to do any of these things help me kick my PTSD in the butt. I constantly over analyze, or become anxious that if I do something, or don’t, that there will be severe consequences. Each challenge that I successfully get through is a reminder that my PTSD doesn’t own me, that I can take something that is ‘a part of me’ and push it aside. That I can again live life to the fullest, get out of the autopilot and actually take control. We only have the one life to live, and I choose how I want to live it. So, here’s to 2018 being the year that taught me the most about myself and life. I am only going to create greater challenges to overcome for 2019.

Megan Elise

Hiatus

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Well, that was the longest hiatus I have taken in my life. Was it really a hiatus though? I did continue working and proceeded to work on my mental health. But it has really been a while since I have kept this site active. I kept paying for it…but, I personally at the time couldn’t be active towards it. I even questioned myself every time I received a notification if I should keep this going. I received messages from people about how what I am doing here has helped people, and you know what, this has helped me too. However, during the last couple years I have personally blocked myself from doing anything on here, until I worked on myself. I don’t want to go into what happened that caused me to feel like there was a wall between me and my own site, that will be for another time, maybe.

So, instead, let me go through what has happened these past couple years, and focus on the positivity! During this time, I have been on two cruises. One was March of 2020, directly before the pandemic, and one this year. Let’s focus more on the first cruise. Why, might you ask? Well, something great came from that one. Just days before going on that cruise, I met for the first time in person, someone I had connected with only online. Someone I now consider my best friend. We spent every day on that cruise together, and would travel the different islands, whether on an excursion, or on our own do it yourself tours. Without her being there, I would not have had as positive of an experience as I did. The next day after getting home from the cruise Canada went into lockdown, as well as the US, where she is from. We felt so isolated, so we started a weekly zoom call, and extended it out to others that were on the Facebook page for that cruise. That was over two years ago, and those weekly zoom calls have continued to this date. Not only has it been on zoom, but occasionally we would meet at different conventions every year. There is even a group chat that we all participate in daily! We celebrate each others’ birthdays, either in person, or virtually. We have grieved together with loses and been a support system for each other when needed. This group that my best friend Lola and I have created have become our family. Without this family, the pandemic would have been harder for me to get through. As it was for everyone, the pandemic was such a difficult time for me. At the beginning of the pandemic I was doing majority of a move by myself, with the help of only two friends on one of the moving dates. Garrett and I were unable to see each other, since the boarders between Canada and the US were closed to each other. He was also going through spinal surgery near the beginning of all of this. My daughter was finishing elementary school, and transitioning to a new school, all of this was online. The job I had at the time I quit to help create something that we didn’t know if it would succeed or not. Thankfully it did succeed, and we received so many positive messages from people all over the world. Some messages of how we helped these individuals through dark moments that they experienced during the pandemic.

Now that things have opened back up again, I have gone back to attending conventions, spending time in nature, and taking care of my mental and physical health. I have started seeing a chiropractor, which I was always afraid to do after hearing so many horror stories. As well, I regularly see a sports therapist. I used to push off that kind of self care for so long, and I am glad I am putting myself first when it comes to this. Personally, I have never felt greater than I do now. It was a long struggle for me to get here since 2019, but here I am!  

Life Changing

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While in South Africa we stayed at an Air BnB on the Mjejane Private Game Reserve that backed onto land that shared space with Kruger National Park. There would be something new to see daily. We ate breakfast while watching a mother warthog and her piglets graze in the backyard of what would be our home for the next 7 days. On an afternoon car ride back into the park, we witnessed a lioness on the side of the road with her two cubs. She was exhausted, too tired to feed her hungry cubs. It wasn’t hard to feel heartbroken for her. We were reassured that what typically happens in the pride is that other lioness will continue on the hunt for food and when something is caught they will call her over to where they are. I really hope this was the case. A hippo crossing the road caused a small traffic jam, something you would never witness here.

On the Kruger Natural Park side I witnessed the bond between male elephants, observed rhinoceros safely sleep and lots, I mean lots of impalas grazing. We were lucky enough to come across four of the Big Five before leaving. Seeing predators and prey in the same area yet completely ignore each other. Animals don’t kill for fun, they kill for the need of food. The authenticity of the ecosystem there was beautiful, everything there had a purpose. From the highest member of the food chain right down to the dung beetle. Inhaling the earthy scent of the environment was an overwhelming experience for me. Africa was life changing, it reminded me of how precious our planet truly is.

Value

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The Oxford Dictionary defines value as, ‘The regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.’ Finding importance in ourselves, making ourselves worth something can be difficult. But why?

It took me a while to start valuing myself again, to find my own self worth. Now that I have that back, I feel more alive. I have more respect for myself and others. My point of view on life has changed drastically. How I want to be as a person and who I want around me has evolved.

Getting here was hard, I had to fall first before I finally realized that something was wrong. Through the ‘downs’ the voice in my head made me believe that I wasn’t worth it, that things happened to me as proof that this must be true. However, after a certain breaking point, I was able to open my eyes. I came to the realization that this is the only life I have to live, we are not invincible, and I asked myself, “how do I want to live out my life?” I wanted there to be change, and to accomplish that I needed to make changes in myself. I began to let go of things, I removed people from my life that I felt were putting me down, who didn’t respect me or appreciate me. Getting rid of the people who didn’t value me allowed me to be happy again. Paying attention to my surroundings, I started to learn what I valued the most in other people, and that I can value those same things in myself.

Finding value in myself doesn’t end here, this will be something that will continue to change, and with the change I will learn how to adapt so that I can always feel like I am worth something.

Appreciate Yourself

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What do I most appreciate about myself? This I really don’t know how to answer. I have never thought about it before when it comes to myself. I know what I appreciate about certain people in my life, but me….

Can being witty be a thing to appreciate? Well, for me, it will do. I love that I can make people laugh with my quick wit responses. However, when I think about one of my most positive memories about myself the only memory that quickly comes to mind is when I received a positive reaction from my friend Dr. Noor when I asked him a question. I don’t remember the question I had asked, but his response, instead of the answer was him telling me how smart I was, and that his own students never thought to ask this question. That day, he helped build more confidence in myself when it came to my intelligence.

The problem isn’t that I don’t think I am intelligent, it’s more that I need to stop questioning myself. People can have strengths in something, but they don’t value them. Maybe that is why when answering the question, what do I most appreciate about myself? my intelligence isn’t the answer, not yet anyways….Now that I know this, this will be something I am going to work on. By the end of this year, I hope to value my intelligence.

Africa

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As a final Christmas gift, Garrett had invited me to Africa with him. Africa has been on my bucket list ever since I was a child, but I never discussed this with Garrett.

December was a difficult month for me. I was dealing with one thing after another, including a personal loss. When I received this card from him, it was at the beginning of January. My heart nearly melted, until I saw the dates, then it broke. The schedule for work was already made, there would be no way I could book those days off. Of course I just felt this was another hit to add to all the emotional stuff I was dealing with.

Thanks to one of my good friends, Yelaina, who I happen to work with, I am able to make this trip. She knew what was going on in my life at the time and she decided to help me. I had already prepared myself to be okay with the fact that I wouldn’t be making this trip, but she knew that this would be something I needed. Honestly, I needed a break, no matter where it was. Because of her, I am able to get away, recharge, maybe be myself again. I am thankful for having a friend like her in my life.

Now that the trip was a go, we had to quickly get things in order. Going to Africa you need to get shots. Just a warning, if you are planning to ever travel to Africa, budget yourself. The shots, and anything else the doctor may prescribe for you may not be cheap. Also, you want to make sure you are seeing a physician who is knowledgeable about what you will be needing. The woman we met with was not only knowledgeable about what we should be taken, and why. She also gave us tips about being tourists in Africa, especially what we should avoid.

Despite being a little nervous about going on this trip, this will truly be a dream come true. I only hope that Garrett is prepared for non-stop Lion King references while we are out there.

Stand Up To Yourself

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You know that voice in your head, the one that loves to criticize you, causing self doubt? We all experience it. But, what does your voice tell you?

For me, my voice enjoyed telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I should give up on things in life. Especially in December, where I experienced one thing after another, it seemed to be non-stop. That voice seemed to love taking advantage of jabbing at me while I was down. “Maybe it’s a sign that you should leave, move, runaway, stop trying to succeed.” But, because I’ve been through a lot in life already, I knew that eventually things would be okay. So I was able to shut that voice down sooner than I would have in the past, but I know that the voice will return.

Here’s the thing, I have no problem standing up for myself when it comes to other people. However, I never thought of standing up to myself. Why can’t I? And next time, I will. Instead of arguing with myself, putting myself down, I am just going to shut the voice down before it has a chance to cause any negativity in my life. I want to continue this year as healthy and happy as possible.

Vegan Tex Mex Casserole

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This is probably my favorite recipe from the Oh She Glows Cookbook that I received as a gift a couple of years ago. Garrett has been bothering me for a while to make it again, and tonight I decided to. It’s an easy recipe, and fun to make…especially if you make it together as a family.

Depending on the kind of rice you use, and how long it takes to cook, I would suggest starting the cooking process at the same time as cooking all the other ingredients. If the rice cools a bit, that’s okay, it will reheat once mixed with all the other ingredients, and the casserole continues to cook more in the oven.

The desired toppings that I used tonight are; tofu sour cream, a mild salsa, and Okanagan Vegan Cheese – jalapeno flavored. I don’t like Daiya Cheese, so this is the one I suggest. Below is the recipe from the cook book, I would suggest that you pick up your own copy, and you can also visit Angela Liddon’s website Oh She Glows for more recipes. 

 
Crowd-Pleasing Tex-Mex Casserole
 
Prep time 30 mins
Cook time 20 mins
Total time 50 mins
 
Author: Angela Liddon
Recipe type: Entree
Cuisine: Tex-Mex
Serves: 6

Ingredients
FOR THE TEX-MEX SPICE BLEND:
1 tbsp chili powder
1½ tsp ground cumin
1 tsp smoked sweet paprika or ½ tsp regular paprika
½ tsp cayenne pepper, plus more as needed
1¼ tsp fine-grain sea salt
½ tsp ground coriander (optional)

FOR THE CASSEROLE:
1½ tsp extra-virgin olive oil
1 red onion, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 orange bell pepper, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 jalapeño, seeded, if desired, and diced
fine-grain sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
½ cup fresh or frozen corn
1 (14-ounce) can diced tomatoes, with their juices
1 cup tomato sauce or tomato puree
2-3 cups chopped kale leaves or baby spinach
1 (15-ounce) can black beans, drained and rinsed
3 cups cooked wild rice blend or brown rice
½ cup vegan shredded cheese, such as Daiya
1-2 handful corn tortilla chips, crushed
OPTIONAL TOPPINGS:
Sliced green onions
Salsa
Avocado
Corn Chips
Cashew Cream (recipe in the book) 

Instructions
Make the Tex-Mex Spice Blend: In a small bowl, combine the chili powder, cumin, paprika, cayenne, salt, and coriander (if using). Set aside.
Make the Casserole: Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Oil a large (4 to 5 quart or liter) casserole dish.
In a large wok, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onion, garlic, bell peppers, and jalapeño and sauté for 7 to 8 minutes, until softened. Season with salt and black pepper, if desired.
Stir in the Tex-Mex Spice Blend, corn, diced tomatoes and their juices, tomato sauce, kale, beans, rice and ¼ cup of the vegan shredded cheese. Sauté for a few minutes and season with more salt and black pepper, if desired.
Pour the mixture into the prepared casserole dish and smooth out the top. Sprinkle the crushed chips over the casserole mixture along with the remaining ¼ cup of cheese. Cover with a lid or foil and bake for 15 minutes.
Uncover the casserole dish and cook for 5 to 10 minutes more, until bubbly and slightly golden around the edges.
Scoop the casserole into bowls and add your desired toppings.

Notes
Reprinted by arrangement with AVERY, a member of Penguin Group (USA) LLC, A Penguin Random House Company. Copyright © GLO BAKERY CORPORATION, 2014.

Vision

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My vision for myself is to be comfortable with all aspects of life. I don’t want to worry financially about certain things. I want to get proper rest again, feel refreshed! Overall I am looking forward to being successful on my next endeavor.

Things can surprise us, mostly we feel surprised by the worst. However, the worst is temporary, and we can change things in our own life, in our own self, to make life better. This last month I dealt with a lot of stress, which unfortunately continued into the new year. However, today, I was able to close that chapter in my life. I feel better, even though I didn’t get the exact solution that I had hoped for, but whatever, I am not allowing it to impact how I am going to be this year.

What I want for myself this year, and going forward is to not sweat the small stuff. I don’t want to let any more stress impact me the way it did this last month. I want to feel free again, not restricting myself in any way, which will be different from how I feel now, where I just got over the feeling that I was punched in the stomach after dealing with the curve balls that life throws at you. It put me in a bit of a depression, even after the situation was resolved, but I walked away just letting go. I need to be productive in order to move forward, it is difficult to do so dwelling on things that are out of my control.

With a great support system, along with confidence in myself I know I can accomplish the the goals I have set for myself.

Acceptance

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Growing up I would often wear baggier clothing to hide my bone structure. My spine would show if I sat down, sometimes even my rib cage. I remember once, in high school, a girl pointed out how skinny I was. I was standing at the teacher’s desk, asking her a question, when this girl exclaimed, “Oh now, I get why you always wear hoodies, you’re so skinny.” Honestly, I didn’t think anything more than wearing hoodies to be comfortable. But, after that encounter I continued to wear them all the time. As mentioned in one of my earlier posts, rumors were spread about me being anorexic or bulimic. Some people would call me names such as twiggy. Which, if you think about it, was a name of a model from the ’60s, so I guess it wasn’t that bad….but, of course they didn’t mean it as a compliment. In grade ten, I dated a guy who even asked me what bulimic meant. When I asked him why, he told me because his mom thought I was. I would have dinner at their place often, so she would see me eat all the time, the issue was she would never see me gain weight so right away she made an assumption. To make matters worse, after he had told me this, I had a meal at their place, and at the dinner table I started choking on a piece of chicken. I held the coughing in as much as I could, excused myself from the table, went to the washroom and continued to cough until I was no longer choking. This most likely made her assumption of me worse.

As I got older, I realized I may not be able to put on more weight by eating, but I could add more muscle mass. I became obsessed with working out. Obsessed to the point that I’d check the scale almost daily, which obviously wasn’t healthy. I would then start to compare my body with the body of other women who worked out as much as I did. I noticed changes in my personality because of this. If I missed a workout or didn’t meet a goal I set for myself regarding my body, I would become depressed. I eventually realized that this wasn’t healthy. I forced myself to take a break from working out, I avoided any scales that would be near me. Traveling made it easy for me to get through this challenge that I created. I wouldn’t pack any work out gear, that way I wouldn’t use the fitness facility at a hotel. As well, most hotels don’t have scales unless requested, so I would never request one. I even stopped following certain fitness fanatics on social media, I no longer wanted to compare my body with theirs. Once I felt fine again, I was slowly able to incorporate certain workouts back into my life, and now I can confidently workout everyday without it becoming an issue. I don’t use a scale anymore, and I actually feel a lot better about myself. During this process I’ve gained more respect for myself and I am able to enjoy life again.

Bucket List

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  • Travel to South Africa
  • Go to Kruger National Park
  • Hike Table Mountain In South Africa
  • Snorkel for the first time
  • Go to Hawaii
  • Travel to Chicago
  • See Hamilton the musical
  • Explore the Art Institute of Chicago
  • Get over my fear of hiking alone
  • Drive from Chicago to California following Route 66
  • Go to a Chicago Bears game
  • Be at Newgrange in Ireland during the Winter Solstice
  • Travel to New Zealand
  • Celebrate my 33rd Birthday in Hobbiton
    • unfortunately covid kept me from succeeding this one 🙁
  • Read 50 books in a year.
  • Swim with sharks
  • Snorkel in New Zealand
  • Travel to Iceland