Since it’s New Year’s Eve, for my first blog post I am going to reflect on 2018. Why not do that… by going topless, baring it all. One of my most memorable moments of 2018, was standing facing this ‘mountain’ in Nevada with the sun beaming down on me. The temperature was around 40°C (104°F) and we had decided to go hiking. Yes, hiking in August, in Nevada, fifteen minutes outside of Las Vegas, on one of the hottest days this year. I was out there for work and I wanted to do something for myself. This moment was it, I wanted to capture a moment where I felt free. There was excitement mixed with fear; fear that people would see me, fear that I would be judged if ever I posted this photo publicly. The fear that I would even get caught by the authorities. Was I breaking some bizarre hiking law? At this moment though, I didn’t care. I felt more alive than I have in years. This day would be a turning point for me to challenge myself further. This was the moment that I decided I wouldn’t let myself or anyone else hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest. I freed myself from emotional scars, personal issues, and my blindness to actually living life.
In 2018 I lived the ‘just like whatever’ life, and doing so I have experienced things that I didn’t think were possible for me. I can look back and say I do not regret missing out, because I didn’t allow myself to miss out. I traveled to Duke University where I participated in a Spring Break course. I fell back in love with Hiking when my friend Brea took me on the most therapeutic hikes of my life. I went to New Zealand where I was overcome with emotion while standing in front of Samwise Gamgee’s Hobbit Hole. In Rotorua I sped down a mountain on a luge track, and finished the day by experiencing the Skyswing where you swing out from the mountainside. Later, in Christchurch, I let a tattoo artist freehand tattoo my rib cage, providing me with the most unique and meaningful tattoo. I ventured to both the back and front gates of Area51, which was exciting, terrifying, and emotional all at once. At DragonCon, I sat sat on a panel with Dr. Noor and Dr. Spana, two very successful and talented Duke professors. While in Hawaii, I fell in love with snorkeling even after being attacked by a Trigger Fish. Okay, maybe not attacked, but their bites do hurt.
Experiencing the city of Chicago, which had been on my bucket-list, was nothing short of amazing. I fell in love with the architecture, I fell in love with the city. While there, I watched Hamilton the musical, where of course I cried like a baby. During a walk through the city to find the Wooden Alley, we came across the original Playboy Mansion. I also shed a tear when entering Soldier Field for the first time, where The Chicago Bears beat The Minnesota Vikings. On the way back to the hotel I tore the butt of my favorite jeans on a broken part of a fence that we ‘needed’ to jump. Of course everyone else made it over fine, not me. Did I end up caring? Yes. Did I overreact? No. I would have before though, but I wasn’t going to let this ‘ruin my life.’ I was living in the moment, and I was enjoying it. Thank goodness that I was wearing black leggings underneath for extra warmth or else my butt would have been hanging out during my 35 minute brisk November walk back to the hotel.
There was a time this year that I had to take myself back to the Topless in Nevada moment and remind myself to refrain from analyzing, and just do it, just like, whatever. This moment was something I had never experienced in my life, I was about to jump off the top of a snorkeling tour boat. I was scared, I didn’t even know why. I didn’t think I was going to die, I didn’t think anything bad was actually going to happen. It was just water… it was the Atlantic Ocean. Okay, that actually is a bit scary, jumping into the ocean, no flotation device attached to me. But, I was with a group of people, and there was a boat. Come on, I knew I would be fine. I stood at the top, my legs shaking, and in that moment I remembered when in August I ‘freed’ myself. That’s when I stopped thinking, I didn’t care what my legs were doing. I forced myself to move forward, and jump. Did anything happen? Well, I received the biggest sinus cleanse of my life when all the salt water rushed up my nose when I went under. However, I walked away with no regret, because I went for it. This very moment helped me with my next challenge, to jump into the water again, days later. This time, the jump would allow me to swim with a wild dolphin. I told myself that I jumped from a higher platform, and if I don’t get in to the water with this dolphin now, I may never have a chance again. I did it, I swam next to this beautiful creature, who played with us for a few minutes, then he swam away. If I would have stayed on the boat, arguing internally with myself, I would have missed one of the most magical moments ever. That moment was meant to happen, it reminded me again how precious life is, and to just live it.
For some people, these moments may not be big accomplishments but for me they are. You see, I have PTSD. The internal challenges that I face to do any of these things help me kick my PTSD in the butt. I constantly over analyze, or become anxious that if I do something, or don’t, that there will be severe consequences. Each challenge that I successfully get through is a reminder that my PTSD doesn’t own me, that I can take something that is ‘a part of me’ and push it aside. That I can again live life to the fullest, get out of the autopilot and actually take control. We only have the one life to live, and I choose how I want to live it. So, here’s to 2018 being the year that taught me the most about myself and life. I am only going to create greater challenges to overcome for 2019.
Megan Elise