Growing up I would often wear baggier clothing to hide my bone structure. My spine would show if I sat down, sometimes even my rib cage. I remember once, in high school, a girl pointed out how skinny I was. I was standing at the teacher’s desk, asking her a question, when this girl exclaimed, “Oh now, I get why you always wear hoodies, you’re so skinny.” Honestly, I didn’t think anything more than wearing hoodies to be comfortable. But, after that encounter I continued to wear them all the time. As mentioned in one of my earlier posts, rumors were spread about me being anorexic or bulimic. Some people would call me names such as twiggy. Which, if you think about it, was a name of a model from the ’60s, so I guess it wasn’t that bad….but, of course they didn’t mean it as a compliment. In grade ten, I dated a guy who even asked me what bulimic meant. When I asked him why, he told me because his mom thought I was. I would have dinner at their place often, so she would see me eat all the time, the issue was she would never see me gain weight so right away she made an assumption. To make matters worse, after he had told me this, I had a meal at their place, and at the dinner table I started choking on a piece of chicken. I held the coughing in as much as I could, excused myself from the table, went to the washroom and continued to cough until I was no longer choking. This most likely made her assumption of me worse.
As I got older, I realized I may not be able to put on more weight by eating, but I could add more muscle mass. I became obsessed with working out. Obsessed to the point that I’d check the scale almost daily, which obviously wasn’t healthy. I would then start to compare my body with the body of other women who worked out as much as I did. I noticed changes in my personality because of this. If I missed a workout or didn’t meet a goal I set for myself regarding my body, I would become depressed. I eventually realized that this wasn’t healthy. I forced myself to take a break from working out, I avoided any scales that would be near me. Traveling made it easy for me to get through this challenge that I created. I wouldn’t pack any work out gear, that way I wouldn’t use the fitness facility at a hotel. As well, most hotels don’t have scales unless requested, so I would never request one. I even stopped following certain fitness fanatics on social media, I no longer wanted to compare my body with theirs. Once I felt fine again, I was slowly able to incorporate certain workouts back into my life, and now I can confidently workout everyday without it becoming an issue. I don’t use a scale anymore, and I actually feel a lot better about myself. During this process I’ve gained more respect for myself and I am able to enjoy life again.
