Have you ever sat there and thought about how you actually feel about yourself? You know, it’s kind of tough. Daily, when asked how we are doing, we respond with good or fine. To avoid small talk, most people won’t answer with the truth. So, is being asked ‘how are you?’ really different than how we feel about ourselves? I mean, it kind of goes hand in hand. I thought on this one for a bit. I know I am fine, I know I am healthy, but since I am not being asked for small talk purposes, how am I really? Why do I need to lie to myself? Maybe it is the fear that if we acknowledge that we aren’t 100% happy with ourselves, that others would notice too. Would they judge us? Why does it matter what other people think anyways? We really need to care about how we think, how we feel.
So, how do I feel about myself? How I truly feel about myself has evolved over the year, but I am not where I want to be. When I get short with people, or snappy, I shut down – I don’t like confrontation, a trait that Garrett says is reflective of the Year of the Rabbit in Chinese astrology. But, I know it is more than that. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I hurt even an ounce of a person’s feelings, it breaks my heart. When I am moody, it really means I am not happy about myself at that moment. Most of the time when I get this way because I am dealing with stress. I’m an independent person for the most part, but I forget that I can accomplish things when I am under piles of stress. I then lash out at the ones closest to me. I try to avoid this by closing myself off to others, especially the ones closest to me. I need to remember to take care of myself. I work out, eat right, get the proper amount of sleep, and I am able to balance everything positive in my life. What I should start doing again is balancing the moments of stress. Write them down, make a list, organize what I should do daily to overcome the stress in a healthier way. Even start looking at the stress as something positive instead of approaching it in a negative way. Maybe then I will be happier with myself and all aspects of my life. That’s my hope anyways. Now, to take the steps to move forward in accomplishing this….I vow for the rest of 2019 to make note, hold my breath if I am going to lash out, and to appreciate every moment of life, even the bad.
In 2018 I acknowledged my own self worth. I loved myself more than I had before, the only issue I dealt with was that I still couldn’t put myself first. That started to change halfway through the year. I finally decided I was worth being first in my life. I realized what was actually preventing me from doing the things that I wanted to do was that I would allow other people to dictate how I lived my life. This needed to change. I no longer waited around for other people when it came to me enjoying my own life. I was tired of hearing; tomorrow, soon, next year. These words became trigger words for me. It wasn’t fair that I would miss out on simple enjoyments of life because I put my own time on hold – I was putting my life on hold. Taking action into my own hands was one of the best decisions I made. The more I spent time alone doing the things I enjoyed, the more I realized how much I was am actually worth. The saying, we only get one life to live is something I live by daily. I use it to fight people who try to hold me back, especially when they say, “there is always tomorrow.” Since I took my life back I have experienced so much that I would not have been able to before. Some of my friends noticed the changes I was making and would even join me on my adventures. Moving forward in 2019, I want to be the source of my confidence. I will not rely on others to define my worth. I hope to accomplish this by not allowing the negativity of others to impact me. I will continue my journey by surrounding myself with loved ones who respect me the way I respect myself.
Over the holidays, I purchased the book Beautiful You – A Daily Guide To Radical Self-Acceptance by Rosie Molinary for my daughter. While going through pages of the book to see if it would be something that she could benefit from, I started to become intrigued. We decided as a family that starting today, January 1st, 2019, we would challenge ourselves individually and together by using the daily guides the book offers. I’ve never used ‘self help’ books before, but a few friends have explained to me how they have benefited from them. I am not sure what I will achieve from this, if anything, but I’m curious to see. Since talking about challenges in my first post, I thought I would incorporate this into my blog as well. Having anxiety will make it difficult for me to share publicly the daily challenges with the ‘world’ since I am a private person when it comes to personal matters.
So, let’s begin. This year, I am hoping to be more accepting of my flaws when it comes to my body. I workout daily to keep myself physically and mentally happy. However, one thing I need to work on and accept is that my body sometimes bloats. I get insecure when this happens, I don’t fully know why, it’s natural. I grew up skinny, no matter what I did I couldn’t gain weight, and I tried…I know, you’re probably thinking, poor me. I was made fun of, called names, and even had rumors spread about me that I was either bulimic or anorexic. On days that I would bloat, I looked like I was pregnant. I remember ordering food from somewhere once and the lady, in Chinese, asked Garrett how far along I was….I didn’t know who was more embarrassed, her or I.
This year I hope to get away from body shaming myself, ignoring beautiful photos just because I am not happy with how I look in them. I believe I can change this by not critiquing myself so much. Instead of judging photos that reveal my stomach, I should embrace those photos, I should even post those photos. There was a picture that was taken of me last summer while on a trip to Las Vegas. In this photo I stood next to a tree, my back is to the camera, and I am standing in a pose that causes a crease in my back. This happens to everyone who stands this specific way. This picture was actually one of my favorite pictures taken of me but I couldn’t get past the crease. Why couldn’t I? I know I am fit, I know I am healthy, but I assumed others would judge and think it was disgusting. This leads me to another hope for this year regarding body imaging, I hope that the world can change how they view others. When using social media, it is easy to edit a photo or even just use a filter. Why do we need to? What is the worst that can happen if we don’t? We will still receive likes. Just know there will always be someone who has something negative to say, but why should we let that impact us and our own feelings? It really says something about the person being negative, not us. Here’s to 2019 and posting those photos of ourselves that we think need to be edited.
Since it’s New Year’s Eve, for my first blog post I am going to reflect on 2018. Why not do that… by going topless, baring it all. One of my most memorable moments of 2018, was standing facing this ‘mountain’ in Nevada with the sun beaming down on me. The temperature was around 40°C (104°F) and we had decided to go hiking. Yes, hiking in August, in Nevada, fifteen minutes outside of Las Vegas, on one of the hottest days this year. I was out there for work and I wanted to do something for myself. This moment was it, I wanted to capture a moment where I felt free. There was excitement mixed with fear; fear that people would see me, fear that I would be judged if ever I posted this photo publicly. The fear that I would even get caught by the authorities. Was I breaking some bizarre hiking law? At this moment though, I didn’t care. I felt more alive than I have in years. This day would be a turning point for me to challenge myself further. This was the moment that I decided I wouldn’t let myself or anyone else hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest. I freed myself from emotional scars, personal issues, and my blindness to actually living life.
In 2018 I lived the ‘just like whatever’ life, and doing so I have experienced things that I didn’t think were possible for me. I can look back and say I do not regret missing out, because I didn’t allow myself to miss out. I traveled to Duke University where I participated in a Spring Break course. I fell back in love with Hiking when my friend Brea took me on the most therapeutic hikes of my life. I went to New Zealand where I was overcome with emotion while standing in front of Samwise Gamgee’s Hobbit Hole. In Rotorua I sped down a mountain on a luge track, and finished the day by experiencing the Skyswing where you swing out from the mountainside. Later, in Christchurch, I let a tattoo artist freehand tattoo my rib cage, providing me with the most unique and meaningful tattoo. I ventured to both the back and front gates of Area51, which was exciting, terrifying, and emotional all at once. At DragonCon, I sat sat on a panel with Dr. Noor and Dr. Spana, two very successful and talented Duke professors. While in Hawaii, I fell in love with snorkeling even after being attacked by a Trigger Fish. Okay, maybe not attacked, but their bites do hurt.
Experiencing the city of Chicago, which had been on my bucket-list, was nothing short of amazing. I fell in love with the architecture, I fell in love with the city. While there, I watched Hamilton the musical, where of course I cried like a baby. During a walk through the city to find the Wooden Alley, we came across the original Playboy Mansion. I also shed a tear when entering Soldier Field for the first time, where The Chicago Bears beat The Minnesota Vikings. On the way back to the hotel I tore the butt of my favorite jeans on a broken part of a fence that we ‘needed’ to jump. Of course everyone else made it over fine, not me. Did I end up caring? Yes. Did I overreact? No. I would have before though, but I wasn’t going to let this ‘ruin my life.’ I was living in the moment, and I was enjoying it. Thank goodness that I was wearing black leggings underneath for extra warmth or else my butt would have been hanging out during my 35 minute brisk November walk back to the hotel.
There was a time this year that I had to take myself back to the Topless in Nevada moment and remind myself to refrain from analyzing, and just do it, just like, whatever. This moment was something I had never experienced in my life, I was about to jump off the top of a snorkeling tour boat. I was scared, I didn’t even know why. I didn’t think I was going to die, I didn’t think anything bad was actually going to happen. It was just water… it was the Atlantic Ocean. Okay, that actually is a bit scary, jumping into the ocean, no flotation device attached to me. But, I was with a group of people, and there was a boat. Come on, I knew I would be fine. I stood at the top, my legs shaking, and in that moment I remembered when in August I ‘freed’ myself. That’s when I stopped thinking, I didn’t care what my legs were doing. I forced myself to move forward, and jump. Did anything happen? Well, I received the biggest sinus cleanse of my life when all the salt water rushed up my nose when I went under. However, I walked away with no regret, because I went for it. This very moment helped me with my next challenge, to jump into the water again, days later. This time, the jump would allow me to swim with a wild dolphin. I told myself that I jumped from a higher platform, and if I don’t get in to the water with this dolphin now, I may never have a chance again. I did it, I swam next to this beautiful creature, who played with us for a few minutes, then he swam away. If I would have stayed on the boat, arguing internally with myself, I would have missed one of the most magical moments ever. That moment was meant to happen, it reminded me again how precious life is, and to just live it.
For some people, these moments may not be big accomplishments but for me they are. You see, I have PTSD. The internal challenges that I face to do any of these things help me kick my PTSD in the butt. I constantly over analyze, or become anxious that if I do something, or don’t, that there will be severe consequences. Each challenge that I successfully get through is a reminder that my PTSD doesn’t own me, that I can take something that is ‘a part of me’ and push it aside. That I can again live life to the fullest, get out of the autopilot and actually take control. We only have the one life to live, and I choose how I want to live it. So, here’s to 2018 being the year that taught me the most about myself and life. I am only going to create greater challenges to overcome for 2019.
